day 7
Mood:  not sure
I sat down thinking that this would be yet another depressing recollection of a subpar week. But as I reflect, Im realizing that it wasnt all that bad. Weather caused for one day off and one half day, I had what I believed to be a good observation, I had some great workouts, followed my nutrition pretty well (not perfect but well), got invited to a party on Friday. Not a bad week at all.

I ate well this week, not perfect but well. But what is perfect? On Thursday I thought i was going to cheat and binge, but I persisted. Then on Friday i gave myself the permission to have a meal I otherwise wouldnt eat. Was it much too big, yes. Would I consider it a binge, yes. But i moved past it by saying that if I could only have one a week I would be ok. Saturday all was well. Then Sunday came. I kickbox and met with some of the people I train with to workout (yea i kickbox, just because I have bulimia dosent mean I cant be tough as nails and kick some *&%). During our training it hit me. The desire , the compulsion to eat, to binge, strengthened by the notion that because I was training as hard as I was I deserved it. So I did. Italian food, ice cream and some other crap. Not an exorbanant amount, but enough to regret it. Enough to make me question my decision to eat on Friday and wonder if my only solution really is abstinance. I was bent on being abstinant for some time. But actually trying to comprehend a life with out some of the food, actually it had become more than food to me, its quite uncomprehensiable. But I keep proving myself wrong when I try to bargan with myself. I say things like, Ill just eat bad on Friday nights, then a meal becomes a binge and one binge becomes 2 binges and before I know it, Im brought back to the enevitable , abstinance. My therapist highly recomends it, signs are pointing to it, but every attempt is met with failure, what a powerful addiction. But I guess if being abstinant was easy, I wouldnt need to be abstinant.

Well the journey continues tomorrow. Ive got some decisions to make, wish me luck.

as if 11 days wasnt enough
Mood:  chillin'
So the 11 day vacation (including weekends) is over and I feel like I need a vacation. What gives? Luckily im not alone, misery loves company. Many other teachers echo my sentiments. My students are as eager to learn as a, um keep checking this ill think up a good analogy soon. Changing topics, my New Years was great, thanks for asking. Ate alot (will comment later) drank more than I should have and had an overall great time. Possible highlight of New Years had to do with my romantic encounter, well to be honest it was 2 drunk people running in to each other. But it was fun, makes me reminisce of my college years, way back in 2002. It was exciting, spontaneous, you saw it coming and could gradually see something building. As standing close turns to hands on the back or shoulder which rapidly becomes holding hands which transitions to standing extremely close, close enough to kiss, the inevitable. All culminating with waking up in the same bed the next morning. In my past, that happened more frequently than it does now, so when it does happen I savor the moment and enjoy it. For someone who does not unwind much, drink much or have as many relationships with women as he should moments like New Years are held in high regard.

5:05 am
Mood:  spacey
Its early, very early on day 4, 5:05 am to be precise. But im used to it (Ive already been awake for an hour and worked out). Days 1 through 3 have gone well. Very tempted to binge yesterday. Thoughts of binging kept permiating my mind. This is more than a physical compulsion, its become an ingrained habit. How do I know it has become a habit? Well, habits are repeated actions to a stimulus. Habits also feel appropriate and correct. Binging feels appropriate. It has become the approprate response to my compulsive thoughts. To not binge is inapproprate and feels so incorrect. Their in lies another challenge. Not only to quell my thoughts, but to be able to deal with them in an alternative mannor. Im learning to deal with them as I go, but it will be a long process.

Day 1
Mood:  not sure
So I mentioned yesterday that I have these goals for the upcomming new year, and that I would be starting them today. Well today was day 1 on my path of personal achievement and it went well. But Ill be honest, I cant remember how many day 1's I have had where I said this time it will be different. This time I wont binge and purge, exercise obsessivly, I will make time for other things in my life, I wont loose it when everything doesnt go perfectly (because inevitably it never will). But with each day 1 I could never answer the question, why will it be different? What will make this attempt different, more successful than last months attempt? I didnt know, and from that moment I knew I was bound to fail again.
But this time actually is different. New situations in my life have dramatically increased the importance of my success. In addition, putting my thoughts and feelings, successes and failures for all to see will certainly add to the pressure to succeed. And ill be sure to let you know whenever I do succeed or fail. Goodnight.

Another day
Mood:  lazy
Today was the last day I had given myself before I need to get back to work. Got this entire week off (except for jury duty, ughh). Theirs so much I want to get done this week, and then again, I dont want to do anything. Rare are my opportunities to relax, so the past 3 days where my biggest responsibilities had been, um i dont think I had any responsibilities these past 3 days, I relish these days and find it difficult to make the journey back to my regular, responsibility filled day. But such is life, im sure im not alone.
Well New Years is comming up soon, my least favorite of all holidays, but its always good for some reflection and goal setting. Some of my goals for this year are; improve as a teacher, get a girl friend, decorate my house and last but not least, gain control over my buliema. Im actually starting earlier than the 1st on my goals. Earlier like tomorrow. These area actually goals that I have been working on for some time, but i find new years gives me a chance to plan how i will go about achieving these goals and what will they look like when i have achieved them. Ill keep you updated on how they are going.

simpsons are funny
Mood:  d'oh
Christmas night and im enjoying my favorite gift, the fifth season simpsons dvd. Absolute mood lifter. Im currently watching the episode where Bart becomes the aire to Mr. Burns' fortune. Hilarious, but still not as good as "The boy who knew too much". Subtile humor, parallels to famous families (quimbies to the kennedies), "say it again Frenchy, its chowda". Im going to enjoy. Have a good night talk to you tomorrow.

christmas eve
Mood:  blue
So its Christmas eve and ive finally got my online journal set up. Ive heard stories of people setting up online journals to help them through difficult periods of their life. The anonymity of an online journal made it appealing to myself. Its the ability to openly discuss appalingly personal things, while at the same time remaining completely inconspicuous. You can know everything about me, while at the same time know nothing at all. To me thats interesting, but thats just me. Anyway, alittle about myself. Im teacher in his mid 20's. Thats all for now, I said it would only be alittle.
As for why I am doing this. Well if you were paying attention you noticed I mentioned people using online journals as a theraputic way of dealing with difficult times in their lives. My reasoning is no different. Im bulimic. No Im not gay, no Im not a dancer or a jockey or a gymnast or any other steriotypical thoughts that may have entered your mind (and if no thoughts of the such entered your mind I hope you are not insulted). Im just interested in being perfect, and I have been since I was young, about 16(9 years ago for those interested). Its my cross to bear, and my daily struggle obsessing over what I will eat, whos watching me eat (yea the holiday meals with the fam are awesome, sarcasim), when is the next binge and purge along with the overwhelming fear that I will eventually stop fighing and give in permanently to the disease. This is far any away my greatest fear. The longer and more protracted my binges become, the less and less I recognize myself. I am quickly becomming a vague shell of what I once was. And it scares me. I dont like where this disease is taking me. My thoughts, my looks, my self confidence, my intellegence, my girlfriend; slowly, one by one my disease takes this all from me. Its not finished, but its well on its way. So its with this site that I hope to help myself make some tangeable progress towards forever ending my binging and purging. And in turn, help other young people who are fighing this disease just as I am. Ill keep you posted.
My mood is blue and its Christmas eve, why is that? Well, if i have the time to write this elaborate journal entry, then I must not have a wife, girlfriend, significant other, life partner, soulmate or (fill in the blank with your favorite) to spend this time with. Yea Im saving money on presents, but its nice to be able to spend the holidays with someone special. Why am I single, well Im glad you asked. Well first off, im not ugly. No really , Im not. Im actually handsome. Dont take this as a sign of arogance because its not; in the choice of handsome or ugly, I check the handsome box. Well then I must be fat right. Wrong, I exercise compulsively per my bulimia, so Im not fat. Well you have to be an asshole right? Nope, not an asshole either. So why am I single? By the way dont get the impression that im arrogant from this past paragraph. It is more a list of things that I am not, rather than a list of things that I am. Well Im single for one major reason which can be traced back to my bulimia. If an eating disorder distroys nothing, it destroys your self confidence. It destroys your value of yourself as a person and makes you feel as if you dont deserve a whole lot. This feeling of being unworth of anything of quality permiates into other areas of my life, and in effect I believe that I dont deserve much and proceed to shoot myself in the foot whenever an opportunity comes my way.
Wow this first entry makes me look pretty bad. Well their are some good things about me. Im very smart, and have been very successful in virtually everything I have attempted throughout my life (well except for 2 things).
Anyway I need to get to bed or santa wont come, Im beginning to fall asleep as I write this. so have a good night and happy holidays everyone.
later